240507-One of the most happening day in my life

“I love my life” this is my new found 4 words of the day and always I would think..

24th may, kinda the last day of PCTE but the 1st day of my work..
Buddy was injured le, she may tear her ligament..believe she was so in pain and fearful when that hap. Wish i could be there but I could only call her. Buddy, sorry I hav competition on sat, cant visit you, mayb sun..act fri which is like today, I may be able to pop by her place, but mayb I will go hm and not join my class as planned as I still have some work that I owe people..buddy will see you soon..

Thursday, such as exciting day..think I was pretty stressed to the extent when I talked to alan abt it in the afternoon when my class was released like 12plus, I was lik verbal diarrhea over the phone.

I was laughing a lot coz think when I’m stressed, I would like to laugh it off..think can be qt a bad thing as I’m like denying my stress and act the opposite..i will do sth abt this weird habit of mine..mayb it’s certain kind of suppression of feelings..mayb I was thinking if I don feel so much I may be able to keep cool a little and be logical minded and do my work..anyway it was qt a day I would say.

Thou it was such a happening day..i cant help but to acknowledge my God is so very extremely good to me..

Even thou I made many mistakes, hah and have many yucky attitudes, God is still very merciful, gracious and faithful to me..
Thank you Jesus..

Wat hap was everyth seems to fall in place just in 1 day..God is good and I’m so blessed with many great and nice people in my life..

These are the things that just kinda fall in place.

#1-Manage to buy tapes from Ronnie. I made the call at about 9plus in the morning, we arranged and he traveled esp to dover mrt to pass me tapes that cost $59 at 3pm after rushing from his mtg and stuff..when I was waiting I was lik, crazy, which bizman will travel to pass client goods that cost so little and mayb his cost of petrol is half of wat I’m paying him..pretty unusual yet I Thank God for such a grace and favour. So amazing how I can call tdy and get the tapes tdy..i think it’s a miracle on my side.

#2- Meng’s call of help. Juz when I was distracted with a lot of thots on helpers at ard 9plus..i was pretty anxious abt it that a miracle call act came.
Dear wan meng, my student juz called at that timing that I almost din wanna pick up coz I don recog the no but I still did thinking in case it’s urgent..Gosh to my pleasant surprise..hahaha..he called to offer to be helper for the ITESC Netball games..he told me he could get his friends to help as well..man..his call is like a huge present dropped from heaven..so kinda manpower side pretty safe now..anyway I only confirm the no of helpers like 7plus in the evening..Miracle again coz on this day that I needed helpers, helpers came,confirmed and I will see them on Mon..I so very Thank God..like another one day miracle.

#3-Umpires are confirmed..gosh, I only got ot talk to Mas like 3plus and when she told me the rate, it was expensive..but I wanna Thank God that at least NS (Netball Singapore) managed to squeeze 4 umpires out on the day when National League is taking place on the same day as well..i worked in NS b4 and I noe how difficult it is to get umpires..so phew..Thank God..my miracle worker..so kinda, on that day ask, on that day confirm umpires and I called Mas at a weird timing of 7plus (ha..i apologise saying I had given her after work “harassment”) haha..so 7plus got approval from Pat to go ahead w engaging the umpires at that rate (total cost 4 umpires = $288..it’s qt a sum) den I proceed to confirm w Mas. Thank God, umpires side..settled.

#4- Official table and Emcee settled..Gosh, I called buddy at 7plus again to confirm allocation of “man” (my ex class boys)power..den thot of sth Zoey and Adda can help at the official table too..hahaha..miracle again..hahaha..so hap that Zoey can tak off on mon so wen I went down to ask them, she was willing to help den dear adda..heee..she will be emcee..hehehe..meaning I can siam the role of an Emcee..hahaha..oversee things mah..ha..i need to give eye power you noe..ha..den music will be contributed by Dawn. And del will help w the playing of music and stuff..
So I wanna Thank God that the manpower issue kinda settled le..phew..lik war fighting but Praise God, victory on the same day is reali graciousness for me..

Act I was pretty drained by the time I was in pammy’s car, she pffer to send me to pasir ris so I can hm frm there..i was basically emotless and expressionless and kept saying in the car “I love my life”..think my students were saying “don look so stressed”..think I do look stress and wen I said I love my life..it’s such an irony..stress look with a “happy”confession..ha..don match..

By the time I reached SK, I was totally drained in a sense..i couldn’t feel anyth..cant feel anyth..mayb I’m too successful at suppressing all my e=mots to the extent that I cant feel anyth..that’s reali scary as alan said but I reali cant feel..think I had acquire this bad manner where I get totally detached from my emot..think my belief is that if I cant feel anyth, den I don feel stress or pain or wateva..i just cant feel..i was praying and stuff, think singing in tongues made me feel slightly beta after a day of war.. so I Ko 11plus sup to last parade but total ko..den wak up this morn and reali Thank God for being so much to me..

Father God, Thank You for being so merciful to me despite my mistakes. Thank you for being so gracious despite I’m so undeserving. Thank you for being so good to me still despite all..thank you for all the miracles for all my needs on Thurs..You are a miracle giving God..i so needed that and I appreciate and Thank you for all that you have done for me and given me.

*God is good despite all circumstances.
*noe y I feel it’s such a miracle day? Imagine how on earth or the possibilities of things falling in place just like that?..Much favour of God and favour of men is needed I think..it’s the smooth flow of things being settled that I reali thank God for..

Thank you Jesus and Holy spirit for making things happened for me once again..

love,
daph

childlike

i just want to love God simply again..

brokenness..i need to be..

remember how God 1st touch me and how i 1st love Him so passionately?

Jesus, i want to fall deeply in love with You again and over and over again..

More of Jesus, less of daphne..

Lord,i'm hungry
for a mighty move of God

Lord,i'm thirsty
Pour out Your Holy Ghost

Lord i want to see
the hand of God
move mightily inside of me
i'm hungry for a move of God..

9th May-Privileged

today i met with joanne, Thank God i had a relatively good time with her..haha..at least i spoke out all my thoughts that i felt twds her..think i am such a person in that once i say out some things that i feel twds you means i'm ok..if i don say out..man, gotta watchout coz it's dangerous..

what tis entry is abt is:

when i was on my way back hme, den i dropped annie (from chec=> city harvest teachers' network ) a msg and told her that i will be able to meet her for a short while to discuss on some textbook formulation for a china proj..

initially when i returned her call, she asked if we can have a meeting tml..bcoz i m mtg brian and christine ma so i kinda told her i will msg her again to confirm..think there was a certain pride in me when i seem to "make the call" to meeting..well..i admit..i do have certain bit of pride..an area that i need to be very mindful of..believe wil be an area that God will break me too..

well..wat i wanna say is on the train back aft i msg annie..den sud got tis thot in my mind.."i think God has granted me the desires of my heart..why? i have always wanted to teach chinese since young..God has given me my desire of being a PE teacher and now i'm involved in this china project..it's like God giving me a combo desire grant where i can be both a PE teacher and "chinese" teacher (i mean to help out in the china proj is almost like me using my knowledge in chinese to help)..man..right then i felt so privilged..

it seems that God is giving me evrything that i want in my life..Pe teacher, "teaching" chinese/being useful in being able to serve God in that manner of reaching out to china..and giving me the kind of man that i always pray for..a runner, a strong man, the 5 Ps, king and general, a man after God's heart like King David, a Godly and God-fearing man..(well of coz he is still very much a "work" in progress)..but very good progress made since 28th April..

i pray..i pray for him..a man of strength and tenacity..a man after God's own heart..
i pray..i pray for myself.. a strong and loyal woman to God..a woman after God's heart..

so i went home and give God praise.."God, Thank You..i feel so privileged to be able to serve You in that manner..how can i be proud? how can i be proud? coz everything that i have, it comes from You.. Without You, i am nothing..Thank You God."

juz as i gave thanks to God, i fear..
i fear that i'll be like Job in the bible in that God is like giving me everything that i want now, what if one day all these things are taken away from me, how?

den anoth thought came to me..well..if that day comes, it would be a real good test for me..if my heart is with my possessions or my God?
coz if my heart is with God, why should i fear..no matter wat..i will still acknowledge that God is good despite all.."Father God, please protect me..let me be like Job, despite all the disasters that happen to him..God, he did not curse you..protect me that i will stand strong in You..protect me.."

let my attitude BE one that is poor in the spirit..blessed are the poor in spirit.

** > of Him & <>

recall on 7th May 07-Brokenness

now as i write, i reali think the way God moves in me is so cute..He always make me realise or feel certain things 1st and when Pst preached, it is like a confirmation of what God is doing in my life.

on sun, during worship i don noe why i seem to rem the things that i have done, like my failures, my wrongs, my everything that is not right den i also rem God's faithfulness, His goodness to me despite all my mess..

den Pst preached on Mt 5:4 blessed are those who mourn.
mourning in this verse means to grief over my sins, mourn over my weaknesses, sins and imperfection..O now as i look at my notes, i wrote this down which is like what is written in the prev sentence--bcoz of daph(my self) -> i sin and hurt people..now that i remember i grieved over my sins and mistakes.

brokenness = broken by the Grace of God..think right then i felt that way..God, i am so imperfect, i have sinned so much, hurt so many people..I am sorry God..I am sorry to the people whom you know i have hurt you..i am sorry..

my self-centredness has caused many hurts and i made many mistakes..

*God, i placed my imperfection into Your Perfect hands..

Let my heart be loyal to you..a heart after Your heart..Jesus..

5th May-Emerge 10 (9km act) Race

today i want to Thank God for the things that He is doing in my life..it's amazing how He moved in my life..ha

today is the race that i have been training for..not very hard i would say but stil did train..i rem i told shuyin (a cool sporty galfren) just b4 we walked to startin point that i reali want to be in top 3..i want to be in top 3..

well..started the race..i'm not the 1st gal act but after a few sec, think i went a little too fast, i became like the 1st runner thruout round 1 and den morale testing time came..

juz right after 4.5km, 2 gals ran ahead of me..gosh..shocked..stunned.unexpected..morale testing..i was certainly shaken in many ways while still running..think it took me prob 1 or 2 km b4 i decided to move on and fight for my third position.

i felt it was a struggled run..reali struggled..when they 1st ran past me, my morale dipped..had no fighting spirit..lousy..was scolding myself like "come on la..fight..don give up so easily..don compromise standards so fast..fight..fight for ur 3rd..at least at the end of race u can said u did fight.."

man..it was reali a struggle..wen i was running i kept telling myself..fight for my 3rd position..fight for my 3rd position..told alan that sometimes i'm gan cheong for competitive race bcoz it will reali show who i am..lik pst said during svc..my attitude is the real me..

Praise God i came in 3rd..no stitch, no cramps..good..i finished the race..i am supposed to be happy but i'm not..i was lik "God, i should be grateful but......"

aft prize presentation and taking qt a bit of pics i went to tamp gym to workout..i was still lik asking God "what's wrong with me? what don i feel happy? like so contradicting where i'm not exactly happy yet was happy in photo taking with my medal..weird?"

until when i left the gym den i realised someth..i was unhappy bcoz i was disappointed with myself..angry i would say..i'm angry that i act had such lousy attitude..i told alan..i'm angry that i like don hav tenacity to fight back..i act had lousy attitude of not fighting and perhaps accept my 3rd position without working hard or fighting for it..lousy attitude..

i think God is dealing with me man..in the area of attitude..den when pst preached on SOTM..me = sum of all my attitudes twds God, people and myself..man..i was like.."God, You are still working in my life.." told alan that i have observed the way God works in me which is He always made me realise some things 1st den when Pst preached, it would be like a confirmation..God, You're awesome!

Attitude..hmmm..think my attitude twds God had dipped loads too..juztold kat that God is so good to me yet i don value Him as much..hmmm..

act juz now during svc..wen Pst said let's not leav the svc until we have an experience or encounter with God..i was like.."yes"..den when i was offguard den the church started singing..man..i juz started to tear like man..tears juz flow like that..a touch from God..a reminder from God that He is my 1st Love..a reminder that God is faithful to me..

daphne..i want to change my attitude twds God..God is faithful to me..He has always been so faithful to me..i want to be loyal in my heart twds Him..a loyal heart..

God, my joy is found when i am walking with You and in Your revelation..let my attitude reflects my love for You..a Loyal Heart..

daph--a Loyal Heart to a Faithful God..Amen!

4th May-My Quiet time~0640-0710

Finally, it seems so long since I spent some quality time with God..i wan to blog this down quickly so I can remember what I feel from this time with my God.

I reali miss God..i miss Him so much..i feel bad to a large extent bcoz God has been so good twds me yet I have yet to spend quality time with Him like days.

God is reali good to me, I am amazed how He turned the situation around on that mon 23rd and tues 24th April when I finally made a decision to tell Alan and his unexpected response I received..

God is good..so good twds me..i’m very happy alan is making so much efforts to read the bible and try to understand my relationship with God..very commentable..very positive.. think I felt ashamed that he read the bible more times and longer time than me. Think as a result of tis, I have been praing everyday that God will touch alan someday. Such a real experience and encounter that he will know that he will know that God is real. So real that he cannot deny His presence..still praying for him..anyway i'm motivated to spend more time with God and His word..yeah..

I reali enjoy spending time with God, to feel His love and kindness twds me..i’m reali a snatched back kid from God yet He is ever so faithful and loving twds me..

I pray that God, let my heart be loyal, let my mind be willing for You always.

Was thinking abt 10km tml..think I felt peaceful..just go run..just go Run With Jesus..God, yes, 45mins sounds challenging and positive but I just want to Run with You..Yes, I m pretty conscious of timing but I’m more interested to finish my race with You..

Run with Jesus..sounds extremely positive!..Thank you Holy Spirit..Let me walk closely with You everyday..let me do what is right in Your eyes..let my heart be loyal and my mind be willing to You always I pray in Jesus’ Name. Amen! (meaning let it be done!)

3rd May—Emerge FOR 10km

This morn my mind was flooded with loads of thots on 10km..think I am reali gan cheong..feel that I din train hard enuf and stuff..like I’m not fast..thinking abt my potential opponent (my fren)..like flooded with so much thots..

When I 1st woke up, I pray a little..felt motivated by Alan to read the bible..why coz he had been reading the bible every now and then when he can..i feel ashamed man..think I have taken God and His word for granted..i need to build my relationship with God, I want to hunger for God’s word the way alan hungers for His word now..well..of coz he din say he hunger but his actions have shown the hunger..i rem he told me last night that he gets drawn to want read the bible..man..that is desire and hunger..keep reading and keep being drawn by the word of God..i want that too..Am I willing to pay the price of time? Am I ? ..I am..I am willing..

Jus now in train, was standing and reading the bible..reading thru psalms..searching 4 that verse..was flippling thru the pages..ha..Yes! so happy..i found it! Psalm 42:7..deep calls unto deep…think as I write now..everyth seems to sound light but I was reali in deep thots..my race..10km..my race..10km..

I reali want to thank God coz I reali think He is so good to me despite my weakness in so many areas..juz now as I was reading the verse repeatedly..deep calls unto deep..den this song juz came in so naturally..a song that sometimes I could sing casually without feeling the meaning of the song.. ( coz sometimes cant feel for God..think that’s the time when I tak God 4granted)..

So here’s the song common yet so meaningful to me once again..reminding me of God’s goodness and love for me..

When my world was in darkness,
You spoke Your words and
Night turned into Day
Your beauty fills this place.

When my world stood in silence,
You filled my heart with songs that never ends
Forever I will praise.

To think that the universal
Could not withhold Your Glory
You chose to live in me
I’m so amazed

And I worship You Lord
My life in You restored
Here is my heart
Make it Your sanctuary
For nobody else but Jesus
Only You..

Sometimes I wonder, how many people reali look at the song lyrics that people post on their blog..think I will now appreciate song lyrics posted in peoples’ blog coz sometimes the lyrics reali expresses what that person is feeling..like how this song above reminded me of God’s gracious saving hand from my many messed up situationSSss..

i’m a snatched-back kid in God man..without Jesus, my friends now will not know me as I am..perhaps we will neva meet in the 1st place..hmmm…butterfly effect..Thank You Jesus for Your unfailing love for daph!

Wait..side tracked too much..so..wat’s the obj of tis posting? (sounds familiar..ha)

Wat I wanna say is “God, I want to run this sat’s 10km for You..You are the reason why I run..You are the one who even enabled me to Run..I am the Head and not the tail.”

Thou I may be afraid but God..i am a runner in You..there may be other better and faster runner than me..but I don care..at this point of time, I just want to run the best that I know how in You, For You..

God, I pray once again..no stitch..no muscles cramps..let it be the best race yet for my life..for You..Focus..God..Focus..My Jesus..

Daphne, remember..I am a runner.. I run my own race..no one can run for me..this is my race..this is my race..run free..run free..run free..freedom is why I like running..i feel free..i feel I am me..this is my race..this is my time..i want to break 59min..Target 45mins sounds every positive..challenging in fact..can i? why not? No harm aiming..at least I dare to aim..haha..i feel so happy now..challenging..but I like..i like to be provoked..i like to be challenged..highly competitive ENTP..i believe so..but daphne..stay cool..remember your reason to run..For Jesus..45mins..i’ll try..i will run hard..

*I am Willing to run the race..i am willing to run the 10km..For Jesus for daph..

2nd May--Jumbled thots--juz wanna b disorganised 4awhile

----Moral integrity..

A term that i learnt from alan..ha..think being with him is reali like a mutual culture exchange btw and for both of us..indeed I’ve learnt many things from him..haha..i always feel very good wheneva he praise me saying that I have improved loads (ha..coz I’ve learnt how to spoof him..haha)..haha..ego food man..but he’s even more ego to steal my ego food by saying he’s of an advance level..man..who define his standards?
Who judge him? Haha..who? no one else but he himself lo..mayb I should stop listening to his words and start seeing his actions..haha..

But present status, he has neva failed to impress me..he always exceeded my expectations in almost all manner..he’s an A grader man..ha..hmmm..sounds positive or sound familiar? Ha..

Wait..main idea abt moral integrity.think these 2 words are getting into me..very good reminder for me to set a standard for my living..moral integrity..i want to do what is right..this is esp crucial in the phy part..told alan b4..i gotta watch out if I wan to go far with him..

“Time” is the evidence of my confidence..i WANT to do what is right..coz only when I noe I can do what is right I am confident of doing what I said..i flopped many times in the past..i flopped so many times that I reali want to do what is right.. that’s why 2 months sounds positive..very positive..

yest, I did sth..did sth that I think I can be so potentially wrong..dangerous..i wouldn’t want to do it again..if I want to help someone become a righteous man..i gotta watcha..gotta control for his sake..for his sake..daphne, control k..for his sake..for us.."US"..sounds very very positive..

----4 "A"s for successful marriage (think applicable 4 all relationships)

Acceptance-to accept your partner for who he is and expect no change at all at anytime..able to do that? acceptance..only when we understand that each person has their own life to live, own decisions to make and that our expectations should not be "enforced" on them..think tis is difficult coz people (moi esp) can be over-controlling, over-caring and even overly-helpful.

It's amazing, sometimes we simply need to recognise that people juz needed to tak longer time or tak the tougher road to grow up and mature..daphne, mature..mature in ur emots yea..

Let me/us not tak the role of Holy Spirit to change people..we ain't God, we cant change people..so don expect people to change much..Only Jesus can change our hearts..Amen!
O, think when we keep thinking abt Acceptance, our patience and understanding to our partner’s weaknesses will be greater..we will learn to love as God loves us..unconditional love..but of course, when you love, you will love your partner too much to see him staying the same..so let’s communicate changes and help in loving ways..

Appreciation-Appreciation is like a magnifying glass.. It made you see the goodness in your partner and enhance it when you tell them.. it magnifies people’s strengths.. people need to know, need to hear and need to feel how much you value what they do for you..learn to give generous sincere praise, and you will simply just keep winning your partner to you..keep falling DIL(deeply in love) with ya..haha..

Affection-Sometimes people just need that physical touch.. “Embrace” is a nice and meaning word and gesture to show love to your love ones..sometimes juz a hug hug supercedes words..hug hug is so amazing..it can be the most comforting “words” in physical form..i love it loads..nice and warm..comforting..but most importantly, I feel protected..protection is vital for gals..extremely vital..why? security ma..which gal doesn’t want to feel loved and protected..sometimes gals are so deprived of it that they can be like so man..coz if no man will protect them, they will protect themselves..natural instinct..natural defence..that’s y when we speak to certain gals, it seems difficult to talk to them..perhaps they reali juz need a little love..a little hug..

This reminds me of wat hap yest(1st May) ..1 sis act talked and shared with me certain stuff..i reali feel very privileged..honoured that she shared with me qt a bit..i couldn’t do much but I gave her a few hugz..hop that gave her some comfort thou..thru this incident, I felt the joy of serving God..

indeed, serving God is simply loving people..daphne jiayou..to love people is a way to serving God..

We love because He first loved us—1 John 4:9

Attention-sometimes over a long period of time people might cease to give as much attention as they used to give..To keep the relationship fresh, we need to constantly give undivided attention to our partner..i always believe if we value a person, we will give undivided attention..i appreciate people when they give me undivided attention..it made me feel very valued..mayb coz I’m a quality time person (primary love language)..so likewise this will lead to my point of communication.

I feel that communication btw couples or even friends is so important..only when we speak out our thots there wouldn’t be so much miscom ard..i reali hate miscom..the most unnec and dumb thing to destroy a relationship..i always believ, let’s reason things out..let’s clear things right then..i don like to delay..delay sometimes make things worst..but let's reason in loving manner for beta changes to take place..

*Communication—key to life..2change 2my defn: Loving communication is the key to life..

----One word—Deep

If there is 1 word i want to remember for present period..i will want to remember the word "Deep"..

i want to go deep..deep with my Jesus..deep calls unto deep Psa 47:2 (I think)

I want to be deep in my reflection..deep in depth..deep in my personality..

I want to be a deep woman..deep..deep..deep..not to the extent that I’m difficult to understand but deep that people’s lives will be changed by my personality..hmmm..m I making sense?

God..i want to go deeper in love with You..how to not love You more when I’m seeing how much You are doing in my life now..Jesus Thank You..despite my unfaithfulness and disloyalty..You are forever faithful and Loyal to me..

keep me close to you God..Keep my heart loyal to You despite my emots are running..

hold me tight and neva let me go God..

May you always be the Number 1 priority in my life despite my feelings for "baby" is getting stronger..

You are my God, my 1st love, Jesus..My 1st love..without You, there wouldn’t be daph today..

--butterfly effect..so wish 2tel someone how this butterfly effect applies to me..Thank God that He did not give me up when I almost wanna gave up..

*I’m a snatched back kid in God man..i’m a snatched back kid..judges 6:9