Wed,25th April--0039hrs--Night Ambush

Night Ambush..think a term that only alan and i will understand..this portion i so wish alan will read...perhaps he will, mayb? will i tel him 2 read..mayb not..perhaps he will miss the timing wen he read this post..mayb too late wen decisions are made b4 he reads this..
TIME is the Factor..

Alan..i reali admire him in many sense..He is a fighter man..He fights so much to get thru 2 me..reali cannot comprehend, what did he see in me? what makes him so strong to keep fighting battles upon battles that i, daphne tang, am the one throwing at him..even kat commented that he reali "suffered" a lot for me..yes..reali an A grader in my eyes..i have absolutely no doubt abt this fact..He is a Fighter, an A grader, an all that i wish to have..

let's recall, 1st hell day for him was on wed, 18th april (i'm good with dates)..our 9 hrs talk..man..i still can rem how i crushed him man..even he himself said, he was low right to the core..

this mon..O, juz 2 days back, 23rd april..hell day #2..day ambush..supposedly shld have been a happy day for us turned out to be the otherwise..reali otherwise.. all time stress for both of us..i cried so much in the mornin..eyes were swollen when i realised and felt how much i would have to give up to be with him..i can neva put it adequately in words, the deep sadness i felt wen i thot of how much i will give up..so deep inside of me that i cannot help but to just cry at every thot of it..how "appropriate" for me to cry during the break time of my course..in the toilet, eyes swollen..best, mtg my boss lata during lunch..everyth seems to like to come at one go when i am feeling so vulnerable..man.. i felt that it was a joking monday..

took much courage to meet jaz in the evening..act i reached the bus stop at 1730 but i stoned for almost 30mins b4 i took a step 2 msg jaz and meet her for the dina tt i arranged in the morn(encouraged by kat..thank God for her if not the delay in telling jaz would kill me even more)..walked to meet her..extreme tension, fear and guilt..daph messed up again..did things 1st den tel her..she was nice and reasoning thruout the dina..din scold me, not that scary as i thot and imagined it wld be..she was real reasoning..thru her, i see so much of me..so much of my fears..weakness..weakness..weakness..

lousy..went back hm to consider what should i tel alan..lousy..i am reali lousy..i gave him 3 options..#1..don drink "coke" for 2 mths, #2..can still drink "coke" but no tying of cherry (huge compromise), #3..no "coke" at all..option 3..totally eliminated..option 1 not as appealing as option 2..so we decided on option 2..yeah..sounds positive..everyth seems to settle down..finally..

met kat juz now (tues night)..told her why i even allow option 2 wen i reali want to have option 1..reason..i am scared as well..i am mindful of his fears as well..i am scared and option2 seems like a good compromise for us..

as we chat..kat told me qt a bit but one of her statement set me thinking again.."again"..ya..scary word for alan again.. thinking again would means war for alan again..man..think knowing me for these 2 weeks had been a constant battle for him..i feel sorry for him..alan, i am sorry..bcoz of my indecisiveness and fickled mindedness (as mentioned by some1) , alan had to suffer..

this moment..i am supposed to be sleeping..both if us agreed that we need rest..yes..i am tired..i think he is even more tired than me..i am sorry alan..if i had been more decisive, you probably won't have to suffer so much..so wish he'll read this..but, wat's the objective?..let him noe my thots or simply see my weakness..i am not that decisive as i think i am..why? good qn!

a part of me wish to be with him yet i know in my heart even if i want to be with him, this is not the time..why? perhaps alan had been thinking so much abt it..he cannot comprehend bcoz he did not went thru wat i did..not juz my past experiences in relationships but the times when i feel that God is doing so much work in me to prepare me for what is to come..i struggled..i wan to serve God..do i reali want it? (jaz asked) coz if i reali want to serve God even more, i wouldn't hav stepped into this situation where i bring alan on a roller coaster ride..extreme hign and extreme down..i am so sorry..but will saying sorry helps?

ultimate qn is what do i want? good qn! to say i don noe it would be lying man..

i wan to serve God..i want to get back into race again..i cannot afford to miss my race at this timing..this timing that bro chris said is crucial..the three months thingy..this is like the 3rd moth..i don wan to drop out..yet i am mindful of alan..iam conscious of what he has done for me..i am mindful of his fears..i am scared too..will i fade and fail him? i am scared..that's why i open up option 2 for both of us..a compromise..yes a compromise..a compromise that someone said that i am a woman of no standards..i don set standards for myself and therefore i flop again and again in this area of relationship..immature..even my sis is way superior in terms of maturity in this area..

i wish to set standards too ..but i cannot do it alone..i need him to agree..i went praying juz now..1st time i prayed after so much had happened..i pray that God will lead and guide us..i pray that whateva conclusion we made it would be one of mutual understanding and agreement..

i wish to set standards..standards at the expense of him..at the expense of him facing his worst fears..am i able to give him any guarantee.. i would want to..but i am scared to a certain extent as well..i don trust myself..i failed many times..broke many promises, crushed many hearts..would he dare to believe in me? would i dare to believe in myself? as much as i would like to say don noe..juz now kat mentioned sth that i feel i had no excuse to say don noe..she said that i cannot keep using my past as an excuse..God has healed my past..so now, i am the one who knows what i want and do what is right..

juz now alan said he had a feeling that i am going to give him up..true to a certain extent..but i did not tel him that i will want to hold on to him too till the time is right..is he able to give me the time that he is so afraid to give? i am not sure..should he decide to let go..i noe i would miss a good man but i am not to hold him back in any way..i cannot afford to destroy him..

so conclusion?..daphne..

i want to get back into race..i will also give myself a chance to hold on my feelings for him should he allow time of waiting..right time..

right time..think this concept sounds dangerous to him..i wish to explain but some things simply cannot be explained..we will know when the time is right..

the time when a man after God's heart is here..a godly and God-fearing man..a protector, a provider, a physician, a prophet and a priest is here..a king and a general..

sounds tremendous task ahead..well..as i said b4, i may not understand why things happen the way they do now..so emotionally and mentally tormenting and draining, to him esp..

i will want to say God is good despite all..i am sorry God..my immaturity had caused such a big hooha..i need grace and saving hand again..Jesus..help!