Wed, 25th April--a better day

Wed..cg day for this week as jaz they all gg krabi..meaning way advance bdae celeb for jaz..

hmmm..thruout so many things that chris said seems to be directed at me..not that he kept looking at me but all his words are like God's word coming straight into my heart..every word that contribute to my decisions twds alan and moi..

anyway side track..woke up prob 6am to do the "voucher" for jaz as we are giving her our love offering frm both cg..hmmm..felt bit low in the morn as i feel that the voucher is like not up to standards..i don feel it's nice..mayb expectations high or mayb i may low to do more creative thing..i felt guilty..why? for the 1st time ever as a bdae ic..i din make a card..conveniently gave an excuse that i have no time..act i hav time but i spent it elsewher and henceforth i cannot make a card for Jaz..Jaz leh..my leader, the one whose words weighs a lot to me..i din make a card for her..wat a joke man..so low..thruout the day weneva i'm free from my course's work, i will do the voucher..felt that it's not nice..

until i met chris and bavis, we had dina..Thank God for them..thru their words of encouragement, they helped me see wat i cant..think my voucher ain't that bad looking..if i'm more perfectionist, it could have looked beta..well..compromise standards man..haiz..compromise again..this word seems haunting..

well..so we bought jaz a big card..haiz..wen we were at the bugis building..i try to get as many people to write on her card..think one of the comforting thing abt the card is that it was filled with coloured writings of wishes from cg..not too bad looking..

man..i almost wan to flip..juz as i wanna keep the card and bring it to the room..O my gosh..i saw jaz..she juz came out of the restroom and asked wat was i doing..man..how timely can it be? i have hidden the card so well from her only to be discovered at the very last minute..BY HER..man..wat a "careful" bdae ic i was..man..add on to my low mood of the day..flipped..

anyway cut short a bit..we celebrated her bdae..hmmm..somehow i don feel good abt the celeb..think it was not well prep on my part..the atmosphere was like slow..everyone, everything seems so passive..gosh..further add to my "lowness"..

BUT BUT BUT..the MIRACLE of the day happened for me..THIS DEN IS THE MAIN POINT of this entry..

Jaz act looked at me and gave me a hug..and said "Thanks"..man..*feel bit like tearing now*..man..no one would understand how much that hug meant to me..thou i looked bit tired and low on the outside..inside my heart it was like "gosh!" i felt ACCEPTED..i FELT ACCEPTED by jaz despite all the sh*t i gave her 2 days back..i felt ACCEPTED..it meant so much to me..it lifted up my spirit and made me feel hopeful again..despite my mistake, she still accepts me..i wan to and i muz rem this Hug..this experience..this acceptance...it was unusual! it was Valuable coz it was simply Different from the way she treats me last time when i made mistakes..She is accepting this time..i felt free and bcoz i felt free, i act rem joanne.

I msg joanne and juz ask abt her..i wouldn't think of her that if not for that hug..coz i thot joanne was juz giving some excuses wen she said she cant attend cg..think to a certain extent felt that she had disappointed me again not juz not coming 4cg but also thru some stuff that hap over past week..ya..perhaps i felt that jaz would be disappointed with me again wen i told her those ths on mon..and so i felt a certain way twds joanne too..but when jaz showed me acceptance, i am able to open myself to joanne too..man..is this reali a link or i juz thot it to be..

daphne tang..beta wake up your idea..from today onwards..do not see joanne as having certain parts of you in her..she is her, i am moi..we have different lives to live..be mature in your response twds her man..don compromise your standards..don be childish..be christlike man..

something i received from cg..
*As Jesus is, i am....