my regrets--my grandpa

was looking at my past entry "daph's past"..was quick glancing in a sense..but the emots are still there..den saw my grandma and moi's pic b4 i write this then brought to my remembrance of my grandpa..

gave my grandma a call juz now, now she's in her own hse at AMK..she wanted to move back and stay alone since a while ago..so miss her after the call..think my grandma sometimes very cute..very alone too..sometimes it's so easy to think that she is living a good life..is she? mayb..coz on the surface she seems to have the concern of family, living with my aunt and stuff..not alone physically (how abt emot?)..is it reali bliss? mayb..

sometimes i feel that my grandma is lonely thou she is surrounded with people..so?..how many times do we listened to her..sometimes when i do look for her and listen to her talked..many times i can feel she miss grandpa..she reali misses him..i still rem how she cried den at his wake..she was composed yet sad, her tears shows it all..man..*as i write now..emot again..tearing..mayb coz red star award*..thou grandma din say much..from certain times wen she mentioned grandpa..i feel that she longs for him..sometimes she will mention a bit more..

i rem she told me how they met act..thru arranged marriage..think grandpapa was an honest, down to earth man..

i still rem grandpa was such a patient grandpa..according to my papa, he said grandpa neva beat any of his grandchildren..haha..except my powerful sista..delphine tang..hahaha..why?..she was such a powerful "biter" when she was young..mayb 2 yrs old..haha..think it's her teething period so she wil act bit people..ha..moi is a frequent victim to her attacks..haha..sometimes mummy beat her..i will run to toilet and hide 1st while she came banging at my toilet door..haha..why i ciao..coz rem there was once, she was crying bitterly den i comforted her, her head was on my thighs and den God bless me...she juz one bite on my thigh..ahhhhh!!!! it was painfull..don rem if i did cry but i do rem next time she cries, i'll run 1st..haha..

anyway, coming back..due to her active teething stage..that was once she ran to my grandpapa and hugged his leg..and den..haha.."kekz" she bit my grandpapa's thigh..haha..powerful man..that brought a slap to her..haha..1st time my grandpa slapped his grandchildren..man..all thanks to moi's sis--the only exception in Tang's family history..haha..

My grandpa..i rem..perhaps i had harden my heart qt a bit so i will not feel the pain..act on the day he passed away..i went for my JC's netball training..i rem very clearly still..for the past few days, we were in out the hospital qt often to see my grandpa..his condition seems unstable..

i still rem..it was wed..i kinda had feeling that something might hap..but i was immature den..i still went for my netball training..i think i choose to go coz i don noe how to respond to all the hospital visitations..to a certain extent, when i went for netball trg, i block myself to think that i was not very close to my grandpa..was i ?

but the thing was..he passed away that wed..the whole family was sad..grandpa..head of the family..no longer with us..(gosh, why am i tearing so much now...)

i was not there but i heard the report from my aunt that b4 he passes away, he said the sinner's prayer (i don noe if he said or nodded to the prayer)..den b4 he closed his eyes foreva..he actually did a signal, he points his finger to Heaven and gave a "good" thumbs up..he was saying that God is good..yes..God is indeed good..at least i know my grandpapa is in heaven now..now as i write..i rem him..mayb a bit miss him too..quiet man..honest..hardworking grandpa..

grandpa..why did i not go hospital that day? why did i go 4 trg when i felt that someth was not right? gosh..wat was i thinking den..( man..so much tears now)..what was i thinking man..is tis my regret? yes..much as i want to stop myself frm feeling the pain by saying "no"..the ans is yes..i regret..i have many many many regrets in my life..this is one of it..

think many times i say to people (esp wen i'm very upset with the person) "i neva have regrets in my decisions"..but to admit honestly..i do have..many..perhaps bcoz many regrets made me want to appear strong and said "No, i neva regret what i do"..the fact is i do..in fact..too many regrets..perhaps one day i will blog it down too..

anyway, tears have stopped..hmmm..perhaps, got logical again..or is my red star award making me emotionally unstable..hmmm..don noe..but i do noe..feels good to release out thru "water"..

Grandpa..i am sorry.. i was not there..i could have been..but i was not..(man..this hurts..why do "water flow so easily?)..think i am not that emot person..mayb..perhaps.. i'm emot now..muz b bcoz of red star..i'm not that emot i think..i always thot and made myself believ that this matter has no effects on me..apparently seems lik i am..

Sorry grandpa..*tears*