dapH's past

i have always wanted to write about my childhood, like what was my life like when i was young..Let me recall and as i write down, it's a good way for me to remember as well..

Baby times..

based on my memories of my childhood photos, ha..think i like to laugh when i was young..haha.. still rem many pic of my baby time when i smile with both set of teethless gums revealing my hearty laugh..haha..think i'm a well like kid..haha..cute looking too..if ever got chance, i would like to find ways to upload my baby pics..haha..i stayed in toa payoh den mayb at age 7 or younger den i lived in hougang..

Ha..always rem my dad told me wen i was younger that i was a picked up kid..haha..true to a sense coz my mum told me wen i was baby and crying very loudly..my dad put me on the field outside of our toa payoh house..den my mum was so scared and brought me in..haha..hmmm..abandonment? mayb? temp i would think..haha..

haha..also rem my dad told me that wen i was baby he act fed me with XO or some kind of alcohol..haha..intent? to make me KO and Zzz soundly..haha..no wonder the oth time went clubbing my friend said she was surprised that i could qt hold my liquor..haha..trained from baby time ma..haha

O, dad also said there was one time when mummy brought me go market den don noe how, i got lost frm her..man..scare her like xiao..den Thank God that some frens of my parents recognise that i'm my parents' kid and brought me back..haha..man..if not i might be a captured kid..*phew* haha..

Coming of moi sis

haha..moi sis is coming..haha..but that time wen my mum was pregnant we didn't noe whether it's gonna be a brother or sista to me..haha..i rem i was so excited..always like to go to mummy's stomach and listen to baby and talked to her..haha..den on 16th Feb 1989..haha.. i was placed at my grandma's place to await for news whether it is boy or gal..haha..i was praying for a mei mei..haha..and the news came..Yes! i guess correctly..i's a gal!! it's my sis..haha..so cute..yeah..can have someone to play.. i was overjoyed that i was rolling on my mattress..haha..hmmm..think my grandma and aunties and uncles was hoping for a boy..haha..but i won..ha..or God won? haha..coz my sis and moi are sharing such a close realtionship/friendship now..haha..a few weeks back, mummy was impressed with phine that she was act giving me advice over some matter that i was so angry abt..haha..God..you win..haha

Age 8..

still rem mummy was combing my hair in front of the mirror..den she asked me a qn that i couldn't understand, think the qn is sth like this "do i love papa more or mummy?" hmmm..couldn't rem my response then..then the next day..mummy left....

*tearing* as i'm writing this..think i was blaming myself wen mummy left..i wish i'm a beta kid den mayb mummy wouldn't leave..mayb if i knew earlier when mummy was asking me the qn den i would have hold on to mummy and not let her go the next day..mummy come back.....

many nights wen i was sleepling on my mattress, i was crying..still rem there was one time, papa came back drunk, he was sleeping beside me and asked if i love him more or mummy..den he also asked sth like will i stay with him or mummy.. man..i was confused..i love both of them, must i choose???? i don wan to choose...i cried too while papa KO beside me..i was tearing, thinking...

Primary 3..

i'm staying with my grandma at my gu ma's hse in serangoon..think that was the time that grandmama "rescue" delphine too..my mama went to buy some food for my sis at the nanny's hse, den she saw how phine cried so loudly and cham and the nanny just left her to be so..my mama's heart went out to my sis and she decided she will bring my sis back and tak care herself..so my grandmama is the rescuer to both my sis and i....Thank you mama!!!

during P3 time, everyday gotta tak sch bus back to serangoon..there will be days wen i delibrately missed the bus coz i want go home..hougang home.. i wan to see daddy..

so how's my pri sch days like? i don noe..purposeless..playing..thinking abt mummy..

10 yrs old

think it's at this yr that i was in contact with mummy.. in a sense mummy rented a house to stay on her own den certain days she will bring phine and i to her place and stay..think there was this time i was trying to recognise her place so i can bring papa to go find her and bring her back home..
i told papa, i thot the place is AMK but as we searched, it doesn't seem so..i felt so bad on the inside..like so useless, couldn't help to bring mummy back..

days that i stayed with mummy i was trying to call papa in hop i can tel him wher's the place..think there was this one time tt mummy found out and she flared at me..i was scared..

hmmm..seems that P4 is a dark age for me..

talking abt sch..i rem i had a new chinese teacher, Mrs Tham (i think)..there was this remedial lesson i had to go..but i ciao-ed..went to my fren's hse and play..the next day i was found out..why? coz someone told teacher my bag was in sch..right den i felt betrayed lik who expose me..i felt stupid why did i not bring my bag along..den teacher wanted to see my parents..gosh..i was scared like xiao..i don dare to tell papa..i scare he scolds..i was so scared the whole day.. den nx day i kinda lied but true in a sense.. i told Mrs Tham that my parents were separated and don noe what else did i say..i was still very scared..den..when she sees me with compassion den she said, no second time again when i skipped class..my goodness, do you know when she decided to let the matter go..i was so extremely relieved..i am so grateful that she gave me a second chance.. i was so grateful and bcoz of that..that yr i did very well for my chinese.. i rem i scored above 90 for one of the chinese test..it reali felt so good when someone forgives you and gives you a second chance..think that's how i felt twds God too..a second chance......

*my thots now*

think even as i was writing this..tears flow continuously.. think i was hurt in many sense and felt like a failure..din reali study hard during pri sch..now also kinda felt a kind of healing..at least i am able to write this out and felt that God is doing a surgery in my heart and soul now..

perhaps bcoz of my background.. i always feel very insecure..i need love..so much..that i agreed with wat Sy Rogers mentioned b4..bad love is beta than no love..a hungry person would eat anyth even if it's a moudly bread..bad bread is beta than no bread..so maybe in the area of relationships i messed up a lot..Thank God for Jaz..if she hadnt care, wher would i be today too? Thank God that He gave me a very good leader who believed in me despite all the rubbish things i did..gracious..Thank God He cared, if not wher to get this chance to blog all these..i would be doing someth else man..ha

Going Serangoon Garden Sec Sch..

I rem on the 1st day, VP said something like entering into sec sch is a new start..gosh..that word pierced into my heart and i was determined to have a new start in my studies..bcoz of that word..even thou i was in normal acad, i did relatively well.. came in 5th in sec1 mid yr and final yr..

Sec 2..i delibrately hold myself back to come in 2nd position.. below someone (yong xiang) who came from Express to my class..i rem i force myself to tak 2nd placing so that i will have the motivation to aim for 1st in class at final exams..haha..interesting reasoning yea..

O, it was this year, 1997, that i came to know God..i went to CHC bcoz of a friend, Aizhen. She was brought by my Eng teacher, Mr Andrew Wong, a leader in our church now..haha..amazing, a mth back during the CHC Teachers' network meeting, he saw me..he was suprised that i became a teacher too..haha..so funny but heartwarming in a sense too..

Think i joined CHC in a aug time onward..cant reali rem..but i rem 5th Oct should be the day i rec Christ..haha..or mayb earlier, i'm not sure coz i was flipping thru past bullettin that has a date 5th Oct..gosh..i might mistak my 2nd birthday..haha..but it's ok in a sense, i'm saved that's all matters..

i think it bcoz of my past experiences as a child and teen that i felt like i need God so much ba.. but reali sec2 wen i gave my heart to Jesus, i reali needed His forgiveness over the bad things that i have done..

hmmm..perhaps now shall tak a break..want to go pray for the Easter svc lata le..
ha..my life story.....to be continued...haha..

O anyway.. haha..Thank God, i did come in 1st at Sec 2 final yr and went up to Express in sec 3..