8th April--Easter Miracle--Reconciliation with Joanne

Before i blog wat i wan to say..sud this song came to me..such old song song yet so true for me..just this portion that i was singing..

It's all about Jesus
It's all about the way He change our lives
It's all about Jesus
The power of His blood can't be deny

It's all about Jesus
It's all about the covenant He made
It's all about Jesus
Victoriously He rose up from the grave...


I wan to say today is a miracle day for me bcoz during praise i was thinking..for the 1st time after so long, i managed to talk to Joanne in peace without feeling much emot (mostly agitation) b4 svc starts..
Next best thing i was able to share with her a little how i felt over the past 2 Easter svcs i went, sharing with her how i felt that the bible is made understandable and alive thru the drama. Like i din noe Jesus could have been tempted in the area of thots in the desert..neva cross my mind..ha..and many oths which i will write in anoth portion.

I was happy that i am able to encourage her to watch the drama in a manner not out of fear ( coz she told me her feelings twds past Easter svcs) but to feel what Jesus felt for her and us when He went to the cross for us.

I reali Thank God for a peaceful conversation thou it's only a few mins..i think also partly bcoz she looks good today that it made it easier to talk to her..look good in the sense that she looked happy and friendly, willing to ask me how i felt abt past svcs and so i am willing to tell her too..

Service is simply Awesome again..i will write in anoth part..let's focus btw joanne and moi..After svc, chris came to look for us and shortly, joanne and him were conversing aside which i din not think much..wen joanne came to meet us at foyer 2 den she told me she needed to tell me something bcoz chris told her it is beta that she tells a sis wat hap..

she told me some stuff which i was not shock to hear, mayb certain expectancy she might go into that area that i thot she might go thru..true enuf, my expectations came true..

As i was listening and we were walking into train station, i asked her a few qns..den at the platform i began to share something that i am still surprised that i would share with her but yet expected as well..well, i kinda expected that God will one day move in my heart to tell her certain things in my heart but kinda din expect that it would be TODAY..haha..think it's just anoth of God's just-in-time at work again..haha..

On the platform, b4 i shared much with her, i just poped a short thot and told her that i am amazed by my calmness man..ha..she also replied that she felt unusual that i would be so calm to wan share with her my thots and this kinda made her feel comfortable with me..man, i tell you, this muz have been the work of God in my heart..given my character, i would rarely be so calm twds her, but today i was..extremely calm that i am simply still...amazed...

i shared with her a lot a lot but perhaps a few things i wan to write in this blog talking more of me twds her rather than focus on wat she told me coz it's confidential in a sense..

A few things i told her from the platform to boarding the train and all the way reaching to suntec were..

i told her of my past mistakes and i sincerely hop she will not have to go thru wat i went thru..she doesn't need to go thru unnec hurts (should there arise) and waste her potential in God..

I told her that i think i can feel wat Jaz felt for me, for her..so much potential but why waste it bcoz of bad choices we made..why waste her potential for wrong choices made..

in the train and walking to suntec i am very honest and open to her.. I apologise to her..
I apologise for the hurt i caused her when she din do much to invoke that kind of harsh treatment from me..i apologise coz i din not let her understand why i treat her harshly and stuff.. i apologised and explained and in explaining..i think i am freed by God in a sense.. when i am able to share my feelings without hidding anyth i am act releasing a lot of negative feelings i had inside of me,twds her..

i told her i am Sorry for the hurt i caused her coz i saw a lot of similarities in me--in her..and bcoz i so very dislikes these similarities (things i see in me) found in her,i just treat her harshly as i would treat myself..i told many people i am that kind of person who make a decision and chop chop move on..so by having such expectations on myself, i act put all these expectations on her as well..esp in the area of seeing her potential in God verus seeing her eva-changing mood and countenance..i am reali not nice to her.. i will always wonder why cant she just make a decision and move on?..haha..notice this? this is wat i alwys do to myself so i am like enforcing the same way on her..

but besides this i told her, the reason why i treat her harshly could be also bcoz of my resentment-turned ino-bitterness twds her.. i told her, in the beginning of our friendship, with all my heart i was very open to her and told her my purest thot i have twd her.. i told her, rem wen i 1st brought her to church and it was during Emerge, i told her, if she wants to be my friend, she got to change..wen i made that statement i was not harsh but plain honest wth her coz i told her i can see so much potential in her ( of course when i told her i noe she is able to take in wat i'm saying)..den wheneva her countence changed bcoz of certain events, i was patient to ask her, comfort and encourage her..howeva her mood change came too many times and week after week that it is getting on my nerve..

i lost my patience coz i felt that i have made myself clear in the beginning of our friendship my expectations for her and i felt that she disappoints me everytime when her countenance juz changed for the sudden..i would think that the concern i have for her is perverted to the extent that i just get very angry seeing her state and reali harsh that i always ask shu hui, christine or bel to talk to her instead of me aproaching her..coz i noe if i talk to her, she will "die " in my anger..i will be reali harsh twds her..no hestation man..

So i apologise to her coz i place my expectations on myself, on her and in turn she was confused why i always treat her harshly..to the extent that coming to church for her would mean facing her greatest fear--daphne..

O now i rem in the train b4 wat i wrote above..i shared with her in deep manner of my past..so open to tell her wat jaz told me when i was deeply involved emotionally with a guy..i rem Jaz asked me (in mandarine) "don tell me that you love each other so deeply that you cant control?"..don crap..think bcoz i got this frm Jaz, that's why wen joanne told me sth abt 2 mths back that she did someth bcoz she cant control..

i replied the same thing i received from Jaz wen she corrected me (in sept 2005)..i msg her back.."don crap! wat do you mean by can't control? cut the bull"

notice this? "cant control"---an excuse that i gave Jaz, she gave me..similar excuse, similar response i gave her back..not at all comforting but harsh i would think..see..it's the things that i got from my past and when i see it happening in her life, i will use what i received and placed it upon her..harsh treatment i would say..O muz clarify, not that Jaz is harsh twds me, she was not, except that 2 worst mistakes i made that hurt her loads..broke to many pieces her trust in me)..but it's the way i treat myself that i use it on joanne---bcoz of my mistakes, i will quickly make a decision to change, to move on and so i will use this harsh treatment on joanne too..expecting her to quickly make a decision, change and move on...

Gosh..i am such an imperfect person..act we talked a lot..told her a lot of my thots..thots that i kept from her for as long as she is in church..(of course, i muz say i listened to her a lot alot too..haha..in case you who is reading my blog will think it's a monologue btw us..haha)..i would say we shared a lot..very open to each oth..)

It was my past expericences, my expectations, my insecurity, jealousy and lots other factors that attributed to my harsh treatment twds her..

But i truly wan to thank God..i told Joanne, I thank God for her in my life coz thru her, i see a lot of emotions hidden inside of me..so much more of me..much as i hop i am not that bad..i am..and i need God's grace..

she shared her thots on wat i told her, she mentioned that she kinda felt unfair but finally she understands why i treat her the way i treat her..and i replied..Yes, i agree it is unfair to her coz she is not me..it is not fair that i treat her harshly..that's why i said it's such a miracle that we act shared so much today..so much of clearing up that was accumulated over so many mths..

Just now on my way home,in Hanzhong's van..i was not feeling at peace in my heart, think it's Holy Spirit prompting, that i msg her if she's badly hurt over what i shared with her coz it's like a mental shock to her..info overload..so much of my thots twds her not told but finally revealed today..she replied yes she was badly hurt and we exchanged many smses..i told her if she needs, tel jaz abt it or oth sistas coz saying out might help her cope beta..den last qn she asked why i msg her the 1st msg n i explained it was bcoz i don feel peaceful..whe things were much resolved, she asked me why did i msg her..i told her abt not feeling peaceful in heart den i asked her why she asked n she replied coz at that pt she was act thinking abt wat i told her and den came my msg asking her..she was surprised..ha..i think it is anoth of God's just-in-time ploicy at work again..such nice timing..where to get unless God moves in peoples' hearts..haha..

anyway to end what's btw us today is, we had a good conversation and in our last few msgs, we both agreed that God has placed us in each other's life for a purpose..we thank God we were able to clear all that fogged our freindship over the past few mths..Halleujah, Praise God for His wonderful work of healing in our souls..

O i rem i told Joanne, Zhiling told me b4, sometimes God allowed us to go thru certain painful experience so that we may be able to help oths..den just now at NYDC, shu hui mentioned somthing that she rem Pst saying..sometimes when we have certain flaws in our character, God will send people with the similar flaws in our lives so that we can see each oth's flaws and change from it..better character..

haha..Joanne is my trigger point yet also bcoz of her, i can become a beta person..Most importantly, it is bcoz of Jesus and His gracious work in me despite my horrible flaws and mistakes that i can have HOPE to become a better person..Thank you Holy Spirit..Thank you Jesus..