Mon, 19th Mar—conscience dead..God is good still..

Mon, 19th Mar—conscience dead..God is good still..

Man..think my heart and conscience died like don noe how many times.. felt like I’m Jacob, a cheat..gosh.. how? How long will I stay in ITE? With so much of “integrity” in work..gosh.. feel so sick man..think the only hopeful thing out of this is, will i become like Israel.. God changed Jacob's name to Israel.. my life will change too i believe..

Just amazing how I wanted to write abt God’s goodness when I’m facing all this cheating stuff that I’m doing..gosh..such a tough struggle I’m having now..but still I want to write of God’s goodness so that I can remember.

Last wed,14th Mar, went clubbing..so tired gg to sch den on thurs night managed to reach home early. den I started to watch the Taiwanese show starred by Ellen. I watched from 8plus till 2am plus..force myself to sleep coz gotta course to attend on Fri afternoon..
fri night got cg mtg..man.. I Thank God that I brought 2 friends, Jonathan and Jennifer to the seminar..it’s amazing that I am fruitful again..

I haven met Jonathan like more than 2 yrs den think a few weeks back he sent me some fwded msg and so that’s how we got in touch again..anyway he was my dragon boat senior, very nice and sincere person I would say.

For Jennifer, the way we get into contact back is so cute..think if I rem correctly, that sat night aft svc wen Bro Chris spoke to a few of us and after that I took train back to tampines and took bus 27. On the bus I met a friend in church whom I have never met for a long time. She got hold of my number den msg me asking if I still rem Jennifer and from there I got jennifer’s no. I called her immediately to do some ketchup with her. Realised that she stays in Sengkang too..haha.. den told her I will meet her for dina someday..

As for last week cg/seminar, just decided to ask jonathan and Jennifer on tues I think, it was abt fri itself that they confirm they can come..man.. God is good despite my weakness..this is something I acknowleged..God is good despite my weakness.

Another thing which I cant rem exactly is it fri night aft I reached hm from cg or sat morn that I prayed a little..i told God that my prayer life seems to dip a lot from the day I went clubbing on wed..i felt bad coz I act watched the taiwan show for 6 hrs straight and I did not pray nor read the bible. Think it’s a will of choice for me to be selfish to wan do my own things and not spend some time with Him.. I felt that it’s like a mini test of my loyalty to God that will I discipline myself or not?..

During sat svc when Pst Phil preached.. gosh.. he spoke on prayer life.. man.. I understand that God is speaking to me.. my prayer life is my element of living..i cannot live my christian life without prayer man..and of course Word of God is the only way i can know my God.

Just went toilet.. needed to pray man..felt so guilty abt cheating..God is good..i know I made mistake but I know God sees beyond my mistake, can cover me and wash me clean from my wrongs..i’m determined to train up my classes for NAPFA man.. I prayed that my classes will pass based on their own efforts and not by me cheating.. so I’m having hope for this to happen..man..

Sun, 18th Mar

Gave bs to bel.. rem I told her something I to;d myself i muz rem to blog which is--People change when they grow..This is way Sy Rogers said, “when people grow, they change.”.. change is a by-product of growth, it is not the ultimate goal, it is part of a process when people grow.. how do people grow, only wen they are nourished and nurtured den will they grow and change..

Ha.. so why did I tell bel abt this? Coz we were talking abt Joanne again.. the whole of sat her mood is like roller coaster..swinging high and low..ever since the No apologies seminar that we attended (for the youths in Bro Darren’s zone at 1pm)..Bel encouraged her to be open heart aft she said she felt xian wen she 1st enter into the seminar room.. aft the seminar when we were making our way down to svc that she seems beta..

during Praise time, her face like black again..hmmm..usu I wont ask her qn but that day it's amazing that I act asked her is she feeling ok? she told me she felt uncomfortable, probably coz too long haven join us for svc.. I told her it could be bcoz of her r/s with God but regardless of wat she feels, God is great so Praise Him..aft i asked her and went back to praise God, i felt that God is happy with me that i asked her, that i bother to show some concern for her.. during the preaching I could feel that the word is for her and wen svc ended, could see her countenance changed for the beta..

hmmm.. den slight changes occurred again wen we decided to have dina at bedok 85.. the change came abt coz jason asked if we wanted to join E266 for fellowship as well so we go..anyway it's kinda reali inconvenient to go there so end up her face black again..haiz.. patience patience man.. she needs to grow and not change using her own efforts..bel told me her mood changed abt the dina thingy coz she was reali hungry, hadn't eat the whole day.. hmmm..that's understandable but again, face needn't be so black right, heard fr weng that her response to him wen he asked her to buy food wasn't friendly..think weng also frustrated at her too.. that’s why I told bel, when pp grow they will change..she needs to grow to change..

In the past, I would expect her to change her attitude and stuff only to realize aft wat Sy Rogers said,change is a result of Growth.. so gotta nourish Joanne in a sense..

I also shared with bel that sometimes I am harsh twds her coz I see certain similarities btw her and moi..and I so wish she will avoid the unnec situations that I went thru..I am harsh on mysef wen it comes to making changes so I kinda will enforce it on her too..
expectations..man.. gotta have renewed mindset man..i am not Holy Spirit in her life..

I am not God to change anyone.. Holy Spirit is the one who changes people..so wait..wait for God’s appointed time to move in her life.
As for me, I made a commitment to seek God everyday.. to spend at least 15mins with God b4 I leave house and to pray in spirit for at least 5 mins b4 I go.. I wan to keep this commitment and I believe my life will change as I discipline myself.

I have a new goal during sat svc.. I want to come in top 3 for the 10km cross-country and vertical marathon event in Emerge.. I will train and get myself lean to being 50kg by end of June.. I pray that I will be focus and discipline myself in achieving my goals..
Gotta Cut the bull..man.. feel so good to write this out, gave me renewed strength as I fix my eyes on my goals.

*Strong and Lean by 30th June—50kg
*Top 3 in 10km cross country
*Top 3 in vertical marathon

* ”I have fought the good fight,
I have finished the race,
I have kept the faith.”

2 Timothy 4:7 (NIV)

Ha.. suddenly singing this song..

First Love

I love, because You first loved me
I live, because of what You gave
You died, show me how to live
Your mercy taught me to forgive

You came and pour Yourself so free
Your blood wash away my shame
And now I can live again
I’m more of you and less of me

My first love forever You will be
My first breathe You’re the life in me
My first joy the world can never take from me
My covenant with You
Jesus

Your love falls down
Your love falls down
Your love falls down, over me..