broken by kids~ 9 April 2009

these 2 days had been very emotional for me..

being in this sch for more 6 months,tis being my 8th month (4 days to go, yesterday was the 1st time i wanna give up on a class..

i was so close to stepping into the VP's room by 1 step but U-turning wen i saw some inside..den my zul saw me at the office and asked me outside to find out how i was feeling..b4 much could be said, tears naturally flooded my eyes..quite drama but it's tears held too long that wen someone finally showed/noticed my feelings, it juz rush out of my eyes..

tis p4 class is by far my most challenging class..I wondered was it my incapablilty or was the class simply too challenging for me?
To be honest, if i break up the class, they seem very manageable, then why is it that when i strated teaching, they do not listen..

juz a few in the class is able to totally slowed the class' progress and hindered my teaching..my gosh..i tried to be fierce and stuff but it simply doesnt work on some kids..i tried watevan o knew, i used the same tactics or even words that the form teacher were so effective in, but to no avail..

i am broken..

i wanna give up..

tdy i wanna tell VP can i don tak the class anymore? i give up..

unusually, i went to canteen to eat, talked to lawrence, a trainee teacher, he advised me not to go to VP unless it very serious..he said even if the class results are not good, i wont b blamed coz i'm untrained..hmmm..sounds comforting but i feel responsible for the class learning..nonetheless, he did talk me out of talking to VP..

den Junhua offered to sit in in my class to help me put with the few kids..he used his own free time to help me..was reali touched and grateful..

juz now he told me his time with the 3 was good..he made quite a few observations and shared with me..i feel that much follow up needs to be done..my God, give me wisdom and compassion..

he told me he could see that i was not the problem, the kids had their own issues..juz gotta show that i care for them which i reali am..the kids are very clever, bright and so much potential..but i don hav the luxury of time to teach them individually.. i sup it is kids like that that made me still here..

come to think abt it now, much as i say it is for studies that i am still hanging in this job, i sup there is reali a part of me moved by compassion for children who needs help..

i can earn much more outside but why am i still here.. i hav no idea..

probably the comforting /encouraging words given by the teachers in this sch were..i have a cut fr teaching, i will make a good teacher..hmmm..good to hear, partly believe so but it's a tough road to walk..my gosh..

needed some air of release..

i'm so tired..also don noe why..juzt tired..feel so draggy..so many things to do..man..don like myself to be in this state..everyth is chaotic..so tired..don wanna do anyth..don wanna go anywhere..juz wanna rest..just wanna rest..hav my own time do my own things..

good habits are so difficult to form..sometimes i do feel so discourage..so wish someone can understand me..so wish someone can comfort me wen i said i'm tired..juz needed some words of encouragement..tell me i'm doing ok..tell me i'm doing fine,.tel me i can do it..tell me i can wen i feel i cant..

juz needed a little comfort a little strength..

think i need my element of living..my oxygen..think i reali need to protect my quiet time with God..as each day passed in the week, i get so tired..need a little strength to sustain my work..

such irony..i always tell my studs, "the day you decided to study in tis sch, you alrdy noe you need to travel so no excuse for being late or saying you live far.."

sup i could hav been more encouraging as i'm in similar situation..

the day i decided i need to work extra, i would hav to sacrifice my time for other things..

perhaps a litle frustrated wen i cant spend time w alan..so wish our timing can fit nicely..

sup to go cg on thurs so my fri can be free to meet him..but coz my tuition cant get replacement in time therefore i had to work, fri had to go cg , sat morn hav to train, sat afternoon hav to serve, sat night hav to serve so wat..not much time left again..kinda blame myself., if i had rem to inform my fren abt gettin replacement perhaps i wont feel so frust..haiz..angry with myself? perhaps..

den come sun, slept till late, left a few hrs in the noon together b4 dina w his family den he book in again..man..

wat a routine..tired of routine..time..
time is so scarce..so precious..i'm so irritated..so tired..

God it's so difficult to stay focus..so much knowledge but reali need comfort in my heart..sat's trg again..been skipping trg a bit here n there..trying not to train so hard so i don get so tired..

don noe wat's wrong with me..can i don go cg..i juz wanna rest..so tempted ot rest yet obligation works its way thru me again..

gotta break news to alan again tt i cant meet him..man if i'm my boyfriend..think i'll get qt angry..always changing plans..

this is so frust to the extent i don even feel lik arranging to meet him..wat's trhe point..it is always subjected to changes..

i need some stability..i juz wanna some consistency for myself..

why do i always have to change our dates..tired..

is there something wrong with me..think so..mayb if i'm a little discipline with my time things could have been beta..man

my head is reminding my wat i learnt in cg..positive self talk is important..seems lik i'm not doing so..it seems difficult..

feel lik i'm responsible..responsible for wat is happening..

i juz wanna get my life in place again..helppppp God..

time..time..time..i don wan to do anyth anymore......

change is the only constant in life...i hate but i wan..

need a little strength..

strength..hang on..hang on..dying dying..life life..

cool..zzzzzzzzz..

anyone bothers anyone cares?

obligations..so many..my heart needs a little lift..help..anyone..no one..cool..

God is faithful and good..i have a good end for 2007

been wanting to blog for a long while esp aft i came back from Chongqing..

i think i am reali very blessed and God is indeed a Faithful and Good God to me despite my faults and weaknesses..He has granted me the desires of my heart that i can boldly say that yr 2007 is a good year for me..

I have a few desires that is fulfilled in a miraculous way i would say.

1st i went for a mission trip in 2007 that i said i wanna to go after i came back from HK in yr 2006.

Think a few people knew that i almost couldn't go for the Chongqing trip coz i thot i could not afford it..was reali tight financially.
Praise God, the trip was paid for and i was able to go..the trip was fruitful, it was definitely heartening to see how the kids spelled so well wen they were given difficult words. I also saw their perseverance despite not being able to spell, they stood on the stage till the time is up, fighting to the last sec trying to spell the word, they were reali very brave.All kids reali put in much time n efforts for the competition..

from the trip i saw that everyone is reali gifted and each's expertise in different area reali helped to make the whole event a great success..initially i felt bad to "arrow" shu hui to do certain things but bcoz she was on stage doing some task i was able to "lead" the crowd to wave wen a finale song was sang..think i felt i was in a position that i could perform beta..ha..thou i felt bad but i think it was beta that i lead the crowd den clicking the translated lyrics to an english song (shu hui was given the arrow in That finals' morn..ha)..

think bcoz i was free fr tt ppt clicking task i was able to conduct interview with the students n wat they said reali inspired..i rem the p6 champ said it's bcoz she believes in herslef and she reali worked hard that she was able to get champ..i could reali see in her eyes the focus and determination to win..act to be honest she looked such an averg student yet she reali emerged as champ coz of her belief, her confidence,determination n focus..she is an inspiration to me coz an averg can become extraordinary wen you believe..right then i understood wat bible says accoring to our faith it shall be done..God's word is true..Faith makes things possible.

my 2nd desire is alwys to be able to serve God in a ministry..ha.. that was fulfilled in an unusual timing i would say.. i always wonder God why do you let me serve You in a time that i felt i was not strong..Think lik wat deanna told me b4, promotion always come in a time wen we least expected it..wen i felt spiritually strong,i was made to wait..wen i felt weak, i was given the chance to serve..

Thank God i'm now a greeter, God reali humbled me and i felt privileged in many contacts i made with the new people..a few impressionable ones are a couple who never come to church b4, i was the 1st contact to them to get them seats, i hop i can help them find a cg..anoth lady she looked close up but end up she was open to joining a cg wen i asked her abt it.. i was so pleasantly surprised..it was 24th dec, mon evening svc i rem..ha..

3rd wish was granted wen i heard that my cg is going to be under bro darren..man i felt lik heaven over my life..new start for myself..hopfully dear will join bro darren and lik him lik how he likes justin coz i noe darren is reali a very good leader..a different kind fr bro chris..

think i told a few people that facing bro chris was always sth i struggled for the past few weeks or mths to say..i felt was so bad that every fri b4 gg cg i would ask myself, "muz i go?"

think i always felt guilty that i kinda betrayed their trust n bcoz of tt, i din even dare to talk much to jaz which reali saddens me a lot..

but the thot of being in darren's cg filled my heart and mind with hopes that things will get beta..i will get stronger in my spiritual walk..

act i even visualise myself getting stronger, rising up to serve God in a greater manner, in cg and in greeters' ministry..ha..den on the oth hand i am also concerned abt my relationship with alan..

to be honest my desire for yr 2008 is that alan will join and grow in the cg under darren..i can imagine that dear will be such a strong man of God wen he allows himself to get rooted in a cg, esp under darren's leadership..

juz now read alan's blog, if he likes Pst Tan, i believe he will like darren if he has given himself that chance and time to experience wat a cg is like..think bcoz of my many yrs in church these are the things i hop to see for alan..yet as i'm writing this i knew in my heart that it is not my will nor thoughts to change alan but God' Higher ways and thoughts, God's timing is definitely so much better than mine..coz He knows what's good..He's a cool God..hahaha..
Only God can change a man's heart,no one else can..

So i'm believing strongly in my heart that yr 2008 is going to be the best year yet for my life..i believe it is going to be good coz i am convicted by yest svc wen Pst Tan said "Repent" = Return to the Highest level of thinking => Return to God's thoughts cos God's thought are higher than ours..

in this yr 2008,

1st,I wan to walk closer with God everyday coz yest wen i was worshipping in svc, i felt touched in my heart that even times wen i was making mistakes, Jesus was still with me..He had never left me n i felt very touched..bcoz of Jesus still being with me wen i sinned agst Him, i wanna to walk with Him closer in this 2008..

2nd, i pray that i will grow to love the Word of God, to be a woman of God's word..so cool..to be so fully occupied and transformed by the word of God..it's going to be so awesome..

There are so many changes i wanna make..i pray that God's grace will sustain me in continuing to make the decisions, be dedicated and be disciplined to make the changes i needed to make to become a better person in God..to become the woman that God had intended for me to become..

In Jesus' name, let it be done..Amen!

so many thoughts from birthday

on fri at MS..think hui yee said sth tt touched my heart a lot..she said "pam come to get something from her friend right, it was for you"..

gosh..the moment she said it was FOR ME den they handed the prezzis from all the gals in the dept..man..i couldn't help but to tear..gosh..muz hav shock them why such dramatic response..but reali..i was so verytouched coz it was so unexpected..haha..it was a total SURPRISE...

thank you gals..so sweet of them to rem my birthday and had some kind of operations behind my back..hahaha..so cute..ha..

den in pam's car, 1st person i called is kristy..gosh..tt's wen i non stop crying again..haha..reali very touched..den called eunice who gave an expected greeting on the phone "zuo mo?" haha..den called cool emily and lizzie..

den at night dear gave me a very expensive prezzie..Oakley Radar that cost like 390..gosh..it's wat i wanted for a long time too..

was surprised coz we did make a pact that i will get it myself but he's so sweet..he got it for me..hmmm..act feel bit pain coz it reali cost a lot leh..hmmmm..dear thank you yea..

act sat wen for blood donation drive,by default it was at the dhoby ghaut mrt there..hmmm..i was so happy that my iron level passed..

but was disappointed coz i din hav enuf fluid in my body hence wen my blood flowed into the packet, within few mintues, i kinda felt dizzy, my vision turned yellow, couldn't hear wat the nurse said, next thing i saw was she removed the needle from my hand..i was made to lay down with legs raised..felt giddy, little fearful coz don noe wat to expect..shocked at wat was happening to me..couldn't understand why, was juz so bend on donating blood or rather was disaoppointed that the needle had to be taken out..

i couldn't donate blood coz not enuf fluid..wat a painful lesson to learn..i had wanted to donate blood on my bdae..had waited for mths only to flop coz not enuf fluid..wah..reali memorable lesson learnt..anyway now i noe i can pop iron pill the night b4 and on the day itself to pass the iron test..hmmmm..and lots of fluid..now gotta wait for anoth 3 mths..hmmm..memorable lesson on my bdae..hmmmm..

think this bdae is filled with touching moments when i cried so much and also disapointments that is reali hard lessons to learn..hmmmm..

O wen i went hm on sun..haha..my sis sud turn off thh lights and right then my mum and sis sang me a birthday song..it was totally uncalled for..totally surprised and reali touched..almost taered out but held back..so sweet..the love of family..nothing beats that..O on the night of my birthday, my dad, mum and sis each called to wish me..wah..reali miss them so much on that night..kinda emot too...hmmmm..

think i reali wanna Thank everyone who remembered my birthday..think as i grow older, i reali appreciate people who remember my birthday..it took efforts to remember and wish people on their memeorable date of birth..

Thank God for such nice friends, old and new friends who care enuf to remember..
Thank you..Thank you for all the prezzies given to me..coz it takes time and effort and money to get it..thank you for giving me value expressed from all the things that you all have done for me..thank you..

lastly, Thank God that i was borned, without Him, i wouldn't be created..without Him working in my life changing me here and there and many work to be done, where would i be today?

Thank you Jesus for Your faithfulness, You held on to me even thou i so don deserve so much goodness..

Thank you Jesus for everything wonderful in my life and the promise of turning wat's bad in my life into good..looking forward to more changes in my life..

I am a 21km finisher..26th Aug

Praise and Thank God that i have finished the 21km tdy..man..think this is by far the hardest race i ran in a sense..i ran despite my knees do not allow me to go ant faster..

think based on my own timing, my time was 2:15 which was prob 7 mins faster from my 2:22 in yr 2006 ahm (army half marathon)..perhaps 1km faster than last yr wen i din train at all..think i'm pretty pleased with myself thou i reali feel that it was a little wasted in a sense..

let me recount my thinking process since the start of the race..

think it's good that dear and i reached there earlier..i was at esplanade abt 4am..slept like only 3 hrs..wen i woke up, man, my calves were aching from the 14+5km run on fri..haha..

not complaining but think the 14km did boost my confidence to finish 21km..

oki..tdy started well coz was qt front at the starting line..very good very good..thank God for "uncle" aka dear's advice..haha..

5.30am..the sound went off..21km started..everyone was running, can hear the "beep beep" sound from the time recording mats..

was running..hmmmm.. think on the expressway, felt bit distracted coz seems like everyone from the back were running ahead of me..i felt lousy like being overtaken..but i told myslef..those peopel were those people..perhaps they have trained well for the race..wateva it is, i am doing ok coz i maintain a constant pace, good enuf for myslef..gotta tel myself that i am doing fine..in my heart was also thinking "see who last longer" coz so many pp pia like the dist is so short..haha..

anyway felt that the route this yr like very good..at least at the expressway the weren't any bottleneck..ha..perhaps, past 2 yrs i was in the wave way way behind so experienced "human jam" during race..

anyway, was keeping a constant pace till i reached East coast park..saw from opposite so many people running back to the finishing line..was checking timing, wondered if i would see dear..think the desire to want to see dear serves as a good distraction..haha..coz i could feel myself running faster and faster while trying to see him..think mayb at 8 or 9km was thinking perhaps i missed dear le coz cant see him..den told myself, "if can see him den goos lo if not den it's ok"..think that thot kinda ease me from possible disappointment and den to my greatest delight.i saw dear running..hahaha..he saw me too..think he was looking out for me too..can see..haha..so nice..i clapped a few times as signs of encouragement for him..haha..heard him respond to me too..haha..happy..

man..after this motivation, kinda move to motivate myself to reach turning point soon..man..spped dropped a little coz no one to look forward to in a sense..ha..well..prob a few more clicks to turning pt..

finally turned le..told myslef, this is "NOW" running for me..at 12km plus, kinda psycho myself that 8km more..very fast..finish it..so i was thinking in my mind and heart, looking at my timing and finally decided "i can finish it in 2hrs".. this was the constant thot for me for abt 2 to 3 km..den looking at my timing, knowing that i couldn't hit my 2 hr target, gotta quickly adjust my expectations and and set a new target say, 2:05..i kept running..

in my mind my thots were "push my treshold, push my treshold" this thot allowed me to last till prob 19km..

think wen i reached 19km, it was already 2hrs..man..i stopped to walk for 10 steps den decided, juz 2 more km..finished it..i have come so far..finish strong..man..

much as i would like to run fast, i couldn't coz my knees got reali stiff..my speed dropped instead of increasing..felt so sad coz so many pp were catching up from behind and overtook me coz left 2kn more..

act was thinking mayb can finished 2km in 10 mins, kinda force myself to go faster..man..that worked for 1 km..left 1 km..reali struggled..couldn't go faster, speed was slow..

saw dear, so nice that he came back to look for me and pace me..bcoz of him, i reali pushed myself more to finish it..500m more was killing but i go all the way..so happy wen i saw the time..2:16..but i stopped my own time at abt 2:15 so gotta see the official timing wen it got released..

think i am pleased that by God' grace i have finished a beta timing than last yr..but felt wasted coz if i could run faster, how nice to have completed 21km in 2 hrs..

i have fought the good fight
i have finished the race
i have kept the faith

God, thank you for enabling me to finish the race coz my body comes from You..

Patience

felt happy that we ran at ECP at 00:00hrs..haha..it's the timing when we ran that i am so amazed and the dist that we clocked that i felt happy abt..

tml is ahm..hop to do a good timing..

think lesson of the week would be patience..coz mon was down with flu..man..i rarely fall sick but past 2 weeks kinda weak..

this week is a weak week for me in a sense..mon flu, tues slightly beta, thot wed can run den 05:50hrs, red star award come..wed after morn lesson, felt unwell..went hm to zzz..man the earliest time i ever leav sch..12.30pm..gosh..think my attitude twds sch has slacken much..

everything anyhow..anything lo..haiz..gotta pick up again daphne..cant stay slack for long..

had been thinking a bit abt staying in sch to teach..or do i wanna ciao? hmmmm..yest told vincent abt it..he said sth that realiset me thinking..m i monkey see monkey do? izit coz my frens are ciao-ing that i wan to ciao too? hmmm..wat's the good reasons for me to leave? can i tahan till my 2 yr contract ends? do i wan a new jod..haiz..

hadn't reali pray thou i noe i need to..mayb wan to tak things my way. do it my way that i don wanna depend God..hmmm..God..who are you to me? how important are you to me?

help me to walk close with You once more..let me not deviate too far from you..i need You..need your wisdom..

is this the right or good time to ciao..do i wan ciao coz syst reali yucky or coz i'm finding excuses..m i too lazy to work or sch reali ain't worth my efforts..haiz..

attitude attitude attitude..only i can change my attitude..

i love my life..i need life..i need to feel useful..i need to feel i am useful..passion..wat's my passion?

life..wat's life? everyth anyth can be so vulnerable..muz i run this race..

God, make me to be a woman of breakthroughs..i need breakthroughs..i'm dying on the inside in certain parts..i need life man..

i need to pray and read God's word again isn't it..i need to get simple with God again..

God i miss You..help me to spend simple time with You..help me to be softhearted again..let me not have things my way i pray coz i will destroy myself i think..

Focus..daphne..keep running..keep walking with Jesus.."Saba" = Patience..patience with yourself..keep making changes..good changes that will make your life beta..
God, turn my heart towars You..

a woman after Your heart i pray...

God is good despite all~16th Aug

i think God is very quick to work when i prayed..think a portion of my heart died just now..

i rem yest i prayed and told God to capture my heart totally..

man, this morn i gotta make a decision that i felt so pained that i teared a little..

clashes of desires..heart die..feel like tearing but cannot..God have your way in me..

it's a good news that spelling bee in china is confirmed to be from 17-19th dec..howeva on the 17th dec is anoth important event to me..alan's birthday..

going for the china trip would mean that i could not celeb his birthday..ha..wat a timely schedule..

think God, my heart is bit more broken now..i have made a choice that i noe what it felt like to sacrifice..gosh..daphne, try not to tear pls, don get emot..i wish not to but i cant..gotta hold my tears, i'm in office..

i will go for the china trip..i will go..i will fulfil the word taht kat and i said wen we came back from HK last july in 2006.. we said that we want to go for at least 1 mission trip in the year 2007..

cheer up daphne, your word in your bond and you are going to fulfil your word to yourself..you are going for the mission trip in dec 2007..china~my heart's desire..

God captured my heart totally i pray once again..thou the opportunities come with a sacrifice, let me fulfil my purpose in You..